Comfort Zones and Repetition.

This always happens when I’m pushed to the edge.

I find myself repeating myself, just to find myself repeating myself, in which I find myself repeating myself.

I latch onto sayings as things go topsy turvy, and use them continually.

Right now, “I’m all about that life”, or adversely, “I ain’t/am not all about that life”. Over and over I’ll say it. In every single conversation it’ll come up, because I can’t stop. I’m so uncomfortable that I’m regressing back into this repetitive speech.

What does it mean? It’s a way of disagreeing or agreeing strongly, and making a response more casual and funny (to a degree). People like it, people laugh. And now, people repeat it back to me. I don’t like hearing my terms used back to me, they sound so empty and inauthentic. These responses aren’t truly responses – they have no justification or reason. They’re just words to fill the ether and validate my conversational partners statements. I don’t tell them why or how or anything of actual value.

To be so truly disenchanted is awful.
I say that word all the time too, “disenchanted”. These things I can’t stop. My life is so new and uncomfortable, I need these constants.

Nothing is constant anymore. All these “positive” changes are killing me.

I need help.

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I Hate Feeling So Weak.

Fuck.

Fuckity fuckity fuck.

I’m completely terrified, because I don’t know what’s coming next.
Because I don’t know if I’m loved or wanted.
Because my brain keeps reminding me I am the worst, and no one really cares.
Why do I need that constant reminder?

And why do I feel so guilty about putting my thoughts on paper? Putting them out into the ether? I just don’t know. I have so many questions, so few answers. Everything has become so much more complicated since I left my partner.

I don’t deserve happiness, I don’t think I ever did.

I don’t know how to be happy. Why can’t I just be at peace with everything?

I gave up on the man I love because I didn’t feel loved or fulfilled – yes. I cry less, which was all the point. But I also laugh less, and coo less, and feel like myself less and less and…
I feel so much loss. So much pain. Will anyone love me like he did? I hope not. But will someone tolerate me and enticeĀ those feelings once more?

All I ever wanted for him was the best. The best of everything, and I gave him everything I could offer. I felt so useless, I never once felt good enough. Now when I see him online, I feel a sharp pain in my chest and a prickle in my eyes. Why wasn’t I enough? Why aren’t I ever enough? Why couldn’t he just love me like I needed to be loved? Am I really that bad?

I’m seeing someone new already, I can’t spend any time alone. If I’m alone, this happens. Alas, they cancelled on meĀ for their brother – which is totally fair enough. I just need to accept that. Of course his brother is more important, heck, he hasn’t seen his brother in months. Not only that, he rescheduled for Friday – which is in this very same week! Shouldn’t that be enough?

No shit it should be. But no. It’s not. I need more attention, I need someone to hold me for hours and hours and never want to let go. I’m not going to cause a scene or act any different, because logically I know it’s okay. But these emotions, they don’t quieten. It makes me want to flip out and punch the shit out of something, or someone.

How pathetic. I can’t even handle a single night alone.

I also have a job offer, which I’m too afraid to take. I’m too afraid and shit scared of everything, I’m pathetic.

The sun hasn’t even set yet, and I have 15 more hours until I’m back among civilization.

Fuck it. I’m getting drunk.